Football Prognostications – Part 15
Well Week 15 was pretty much a catastrophe for those that participated. Only one of us escaped unscathed with our picks. So much for looking like we knew what we were doing. Please see the results:
X C went back to her old pick of the Chiefs winning 17-10. The Chiefs have decided that if they are going to lose, lose big. They accomplished this by losing 31-0 in San Diego. Not like they were playing for anything, just a 2-0 record against the Chargers and winning AFC West record essentially guaranteeing a playoff spot. The Chiefs are guaranteed a .500 record, but anything less than a playoff spot will be disappointing. (Total Points Off – Chiefs – 17; Chargers – 21)
– D chose the nomadic Giants over the Vikings 24-17. Had I known the Giants would be stuck in Kansas City for a day and Doug would pick this, I would have poisoned the Giants players food at In-A-Tub. Of course that food is indigestible anyway so how they were able to eat that and not die of food poisoning I will never know. And Brett Favre’s streak finally ended at 297 regular season games, which started in 1992. 1992 happens to be the same year Jenn Sterger was graduating from pre-school…little did her parents know she would later allegedly be sent candid photos of Favre. If you do not know what I am talking about, good luck with the research and make sure your desks are clean when looking…makes it easier for security to not box up your stuff…D is competing strongly for the 5th place in his fantasy football league. Apparently picking a winning game does not make you a fantasy genius. D is up until 1:00 most nights on the EA Active helping Michael Vick stay in shape by going through his workout routine. He has quite a following now of Vick, two practice team players for the Carolina Panthers, a kicker, and an 12 year old Pop Warner All Star named Brutus. Hey, if this Insurance thing doesn’t work out, look for D on the front cover of a video game coming to your living room. (Total Points Off – 3; Vikings – 14)
X I, much like the idiot I am, chose the Packers to beat the hapless Lions 34-20. Instead, the freaking Lions decided to play the best defensive game of the year including hitting Aaron Rodgers so hard he thought he was Batman the second half. The Lions won 7 to frickin 3. Seriously, if this isn’t the biggest kick in the…I thought the Chiefs were bad, but Rodgers led the team in rushing with 25 yards, 16 of which was the gain when he got knocked the hell out. Green Bay did not help themselves with 3 turnovers either. Not only do I look like a bigger moron than usual for picking this game, I picked the Packers to win it all…nice pick dumba**. (Total Points Off – approximately a million, or specifically – Packers – 31; Lions – 13)
X S apparently had her hair clips too tight and picked the Chiefs to win 17-14. In S’s defense, she has heard me talking about how miserable Matt Cassel is and she would not expect Brodie Croyle to be even more worthless. But here are Croyle’s numbers: 7 for 17 for 40 yards with a rating of 48.9. Not surprisingly Croyle was where he is most comfortable, at the bottom of the passing leaders for starting quarterbacks. S could rate higher than Croyle and no doubt is tougher. This is evidenced by the fact that Ugg boots are apparently a great way to get your feet amputated. New information indicates that they will cause knee, back, and hip pain as well as a nice foot fungus that has not been identified. Make sure you stop by S’s desk and tell her hello and stay the hell away from anything she might touch! All joking aside, we wish Matt Cassel a speedy recovery so he can disappoint another team next year. What a pansy…can’t even play through a little appendectomy? I remember being told that C once walked to school uphill both ways in a blizzard where her arm literally fell off. She used duct tape to put it back on which explains why she is a lefty. If you listen closely when around her, you can still here the tape…(Total Points Off – Chiefs – 17; San Diego – 17)
X The Wizardress of Prognostications was even disappointed this weekend. She chose the Jets to beat Miami 27-24. The Dolphins ultimately prevailed 10-6 in the Meadowlands. It is now safe to assume that while many people felt the Jets were a great team, it is obvious that having a head coach that is crazier than your coked out Uncle Billy after a few rounds of Jaeger bombs is not a recipe for winning. Much like other things in life, a little bit of crazy goes a long way…just ask the woman that has a TRO against me mentioning 50 feet! Just kidding, it is actually 25 feet…haha. Mark Sanchez somehow had a quarterback rating less than Croyle’s which is similar to saying that your F is slightly better than my F, or that your duct taped arm is worse than my bandaged finger from my hang nail…(Total Points Off – Jets – 21; Miami – 14)
We had five measly players this week? Wow, at this rate we are going to hide the candy dish and keep it exclusively for those that participate…come on people, it’s the holidays and who doesn’t love football, candy gambling, and making fun of people? Regardless of the number, we shall soldier on. I lost this week in what were the worst picks of the season. We should all be embarrassed…I was 44 points off which is similar to taking a test and not answering a question. C was 38 points off, which was somewhat better, but just slightly less embarrassing than having Flock of Seagulls “I Ran So Far Away” on your iPod. M was 35 points off which would assuredly be the loser any other week, but was good enough for her to be third from last. What do you know, that is the same as Brodie Croyle in his high school rankings of future most successful. S was 34 points off, which was nowhere near as devastating as Zac Effron breaking up with Vanessa Hudgens, gasp! She is responding with watching Eclipse yet again. And finally, D was the only winner this week, but again, is like comparing who the loudest Chihuahua is…at the end of the day, it is still a nearly hairless rat. D will read this and instantly have a grin on his face, which we will all need to wipe clean quickly before it becomes a permanent fixture. Was it December 2010 or 2012 when the world will end because I think I am seeing signs of the apocalypse…
This week the Chiefs play the Rams for the Governor’s Cup. Matt Cassel is preparing to start and have a 7/10 passing exhibition. The Chiefs will try to improve on the 60 total yards and 19:00 time of possession from last week. But the Rams, who are 6-7, are still in the hunt for the miserable NFC West. The Chiefs still control their own destiny, much like I still control my destiny for Natalie Portman and I to move to an island she owns. Good luck with the picks and let’s see some action this weekend or I will bring Sno-Caps…I will do it…don’t test me.
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