Bikes, Blues, BBQ

Dickson Street

Bikes, Blues and BBQ is an annual motorcycle rally held in Fayetteville, Arkansas.  Late September brings crusaders on their final big ride of the year spanning from Wednesday through Saturday. The rally is the third largest, from my knowledge, behind only Sturgis and Daytona.  While I have not been to either Sturgis or Daytona, I would venture to guess that the clientele at this rally is far different.  In general there are not many of the 1%’s (Hells Angels, Pagans, etc.), but a Bandido patch is seen from time to time. Many of the attendees of this event cover a wide array of occupations from attorneys to mechanics or from cardiologists to computer programmers.  The obvious commonality is the enjoyment of motorcycles.  What strikes you, among other things, is the number of people descending on Fayetteville, which is more of a college town.  Between Wednesday and Saturday there are approximately 200,000 – 300,000 motorcycle enthusiasts that visit the area.  From Bella Vista, every other vehicle is a motorcycle, Honda, Harley, Suzuki, Kawasaki and many more.  There are custom bikes, trikes, but also motorcycles that are “stock”.  Many riders are in a lap of luxury with what is essentially a couch on wheels.  Others prefer the more raw experience of losing feeling in your ass after a few minutes and taking a day or two in the ability to bend your arms.  I am one of the latter people…

Dickson Street Bikes

My motorcycle, while extremely nice, was built for one specific thing, cruising.  Looking cool is the name of the game with the Honda VTX 1300C.  I believe cruising has far different meanings amongst motorcycle builders and riders.  I remember driving in my hometown, from Penn’s, Pizza Hut, and Sonic.  This was cruising at its finest.  There was air conditioning, my cool Panasonic CD player, and my red Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme that had doors the length of a small battleship.  We would cruise endlessly until we found what bridge (yes I said bridge, the town was small damn it) the party was at, or until we decided to go to a friend’s house.  But cruising was always exciting.  Now, switching to something that has the balance of a one legged drunk.  Two wheels…inches from almost guaranteed death.  This is a little different, in my honest opinion.  Most times I look like Randy Parker, Ralphie’s brother from “The Christmas Story.”  I have so much shit on that even if I could bend my arms, I would have the same bounce back Randy experienced.  The Charmin man has less padding than me.  I am a walking, talking airbag under most circumstances.  But once a year, you are not worried about the ninety year old woman with cataracts that, be damned, is going to get out and drive to the grocery store.  Knowing that you are in the comfort of other lunatic’s makes you take off that jacket, twelve undershirts, remove my balls from the chest, and enjoy riding.  Let the tattoos show, who cares.  Ditch the helmet…better yet, keep the helmet.  Go from 0-60 in the same time as a Porsche Carrera, you are amongst friends.  You no longer have thoughts such as “oh shit, is that sand, please tell me that is not sand”, or “wonder how they will identify me when this semi runs me over with nine of its eighteen wheels”.  Instead, you think “crossing the pearly gates backwards…on fire is gonna be awesome!”  At that moment, the type of motorcycle you are riding does not matter.

Fayetteville Football Stadium

A sport bike likely was put on a trailer and brought in.  While I would like to make fun of this, the simple fact is that anyone that rides a sport bike is likely nuts anyway.  The thought of riding hundreds of miles on one is almost certainly masochism at its finest. Touring motorcycle riders look at hundreds of miles as a short trip. They have heated grips, radio, sat nav, reverse, cruise, etc.  They have enough storage for a twelve day trip to Mogadishu.  And then there are the cruisers.  They are small (800cc or smaller), medium (1300cc), or large (1800cc or larger), but they are what many of us think what a motorcycle looks like.  They do not make high pitch girlish screams like a sport bike or no noise like many touring bikes, but grumble.  You do not sit bolt upright like on a touring cycle, or have to be a contortionist like a sport bike. Instead, you have your legs in front of you with rounded shoulders reaching forward to grab the handlebars.  They are the epitome of muscle bikes.  But from a comfort perspective, no, there is little comfort…

Cruisers have the same comfort level, for long rides, as being strapped to the grill of a semi.  Hell, it is probably more comfortable attached to the front of that Freightliner.  You do not realize it at the time, but your shoulders will feel like Albert Pujois clubbed them repeatedly.  Your vision all of a sudden turns double.  Your arms, for whatever reason, cannot bend more than about eight degrees.  You look like Igor from Frankenstein with a noticeable hunch.  Your kidneys are irritated that they have essentially been thrown in a blender.  You can actually relate to what it was like to be Billy the Kid as you feel like you rode a horse for a couple of days.  The ability to have children is questionable, at best.  Of course, all of this can be remedied with extras, but you better reach deep into your pocket.  A new seat is at least $500.  A windshield or front fairing is $250 and $700, respectively.  Risers to pull back the handle bars, those are $100.  You would like to stretch your legs out, plan on spending $300 for pegs to attach to your $250 engine guard.  You say you want cruise control?  You can do that for $100, at the cheapest.  Eventually, you realize your cruiser is close to the touring bike price.  But you have a cruiser.  You are a badass.  People avoid you if they know you rode it for longer than 200 miles.  The badge of DILLIGAF (Do I Look Like I Give a F*ck) can be proudly displayed across your back, front, side, or wherever the hell you like.  It matters not that you are a hundred and twenty pound programmer for DST, because the 300 pound muscle aficionado is afraid of you because, according to him “you must be insane.”  But once you arrive in Fayetteville, what a sight!

Fayetteville Park

People will sit hour after hour on Dickson Street watching bikes cruise up and down.  Drunken people will interlock handlebars as they pass and make for an entertaining wreck.  Jackasses will burn out and maybe, just maybe, will have a mishap involving their fuel line breaking loose and causing the bike to be a very powerful ball of flame that smashes into the Post Office.  Perhaps you will see an old man who looks like Santa Clause that is riding around on a John Deere colored motorcycle.  You can witness old women wearing tube tops that should not have been worn twenty years ago, while also seeing young women that spent a great deal of money on increasing particular assets.  Sleeveless is the most acceptable fashion choice for men, preferably with something about weapons, motorcycles, or a reference to their “old lady.”  Cheap beer flows like water and barbeque that could melt paint off a car is sold every thirty feet.  You can also purchase a giant corn dog, but fair warning, Imodium A.D. is the best dessert for this type of meal.  In addition, the porta-potties, which I have become a connoisseur of amongst running events, etc. have shit that occurs that is beyond human.  If you plan to step in one after 4:00 in the afternoon, it is wise to ensure that all shots are up to date and your emergency numbers are accurate.  Taking one step in a porta-pottie is like crossing into another universe, you may never make it back.  You are almost assuredly shortening your life expectancy, but what the hell, you ride a motorcycle anyway.  People sit outside and indicate they would like tips for “servicing” the porta-potties, but if they are “serviced”, what in God’s name did they look like before?  Men walking with canes are numerous.  In considering these men, it is hopeful that they are not riding, or are at least riding trikes.  Women can turn a 6’4”, 285 pound man, into a blubbering, terrified idiot.  Comments from people are vile and despicable.  Essentially, all inhibitions are checked at the door.  Much like Moonlight Graham in Field of Dreams, once the line is crossed, a person can leave their work, children, spouses (in many situations), boss, or anything else stressful, outside.  Police are numerous, but must gauge what is a serious infraction or something that seems more the norm.  Businesses no doubt love the week, but are probably thrilled to see it end.  College kids are likely excited to have their town back because many go into hiding that week for fear of reprisal for opening their mouths. 

Normal Attire at BBQ

I attended Friday and Saturday, before riding home Sunday.  As much as it is when you are in Fayetteville, it is usually tenfold worse on the way home.  Many experience this when leaving on a plane from a vacation spot, etc.  However, the next time someone complains of this, I will likely need to smack them.  Try riding four and a half hours in freezing cold weather on what can be considered a freezer with an agitator.  Upon waking on Sunday, the forecast indicated the temperature would be 39 degrees.  A motorcyclist knows that it is likely ten degrees colder on the motorcycle, on the highway.  A person can bundle all they want, but any lapse in careful thoughts results in serious issues.  In my case, I had a long sleeve undershirt and jacket, which was horribly inadequate.  I also had unlined pants and chaps, which was also not sufficient.  And finally, I had hiking boots and worthless gloves.  After approximately five minutes, I realized I was shaking uncontrollably.  Not from the normal shake of the motorcycle, but because I was a Popsicle.  After thirty minutes my hands stopped hurting, which was a sure sign frostbite was occurring.  My balls, which I removed from the chest for this ride, were twenty miles back.  My iPod earbuds were frozen in place.  Mercifully, after an hour of riding, the first pit stop occurred.  I rearranged my clothes and found another pair of gloves as well as hand warmers.  After thawing out, the next leg of the journey began.  It took nearly the full hour and a half before I started feeling extremely cold, but had arrived for the last pit stop.  Using the restroom in this manner, takes multiple advanced degrees.  I am certain the gas station attendant thought a murder was occurring in the bathroom with all the thrashing and screaming.  After a short thirty minute battle, I was ready to use the bathroom.  The final leg was the worst, as I knew I was so close to home, but the miles continue to drag on.  You question your sanity the last thirty miles and wonder when you might get back on this wretched thing.  When you finally arrive home, I felt like I did when I was a child with my bike, albeit a much different kind.  I wanted to throw down the bike, but realized that it was far too expensive.  I waddled inside, turned on the shower, and proceeded to spend the next hour questioning my erroneous judgment.  Had I known that a short week later I would do the same thing with the marathon, I would have admitted myself…

Bikes are similar to other hobbies in many ways and dissimilar as well.  You have likely never heard of someone fatally injuring themselves while scrapbooking.  But there are terms that bikers use to identify themselves much like other hobbies.  We speak in terms of cc’s (cubic centimeters) and tube tires.  We identify sissy bars, luggage racks, throttle rockets, etc.  We can stand awe inspired looking at a bike knowing how much time and money went into it.  We give a sign for hello to fellow motorcyclists, but not for the pansies on the Vespa’s.  Harley riders think their motorcycles are the best, and Gold Wing people think there’s are.  I know for certain mine is not the most comfortable, the most powerful, the biggest, smallest, etc.  But I know one thing for certain, and that is that my motorcycle is just that, mine.  It has successfully and safely gotten me across multiple states in one piece without breaking down.  It may be uncomfortable, but I cannot think of too many other places I would rather be in late September, than freezing my ass off on the way down to Fayetteville for Bikes, Blues, and BBQ.  Next time you see a biker, give them a polite nod.  They might be a hardcore biker, but that would not be nearly as scary as if they were your IRS Special Agent that is conducting your audit…

 

Football Prognostications Part 13

A quiet week 13 as many were on vacation, too scared to pick, in a pre-thanksgiving pumpkin pie coma, or a myriad of other excuses.  Please find the results below.

–              C1 made what I consider to be a genius pick in Kansas State beating North Texas Mean Green 38-9…okay, she was gone so I picked it for her, but still.  K-State won 49-41 after being down 20-7 at the end of the first quarter.  Word has it that Bill Snyder’s started 20 of 22 walk-ons  as the parole officer had not granted the conditional authority for the criminals to play yet.  Seriously, it is like the Longest Yard every week with Burt Reynolds character being played by Leon Patton, who was wanted by authorities for multiple charges.  Not saying KU is squeaky clean, but I am a fan so I am of course required to find ways to make fun of all other teams.  (Total Points Off – KSU – 11; North Texas – 32)

–              C2 picked her usual Chiefs over…insert team here…17-10.  The Chiefs finally beat the Seahawks down winning 42-24.  At one point, the Chiefs had 19 first downs and the Seahawks had 7, but the Chiefs were only winning by 4.  Eventually though the Chiefs just continued to hammer away and embarrassed Pete Carroll at home.  If Cassel continues to play like this, I will have a hard time making fun of him…I said hard time, not impossible.  Cassel has finally understood that Bowe is the only player that resembles a receiver.  Unbelievably Bowe caught nearly all the little girl like passes Cassel threw to him.  Of course Matt Hasselbeck still threw for more yards than Cassel, and KC rushed for more yards than Cassel threw, but if your quarterback was that bad, I would hand it off a ton too.  Even Shaun “Man Grabber” Smith got into the action.  If you are uncertain of the nickname, do some research…(Total Points Off – Chiefs – 25; Seahawks – 14) 

–              D went with his brain, not his heart and chose the Jayhawks to lose 24-35.  The Tigers prevailed 35-7.  No word on what D was actually smoking with the 24 points by KU…perhaps he meant 7 and include the previous two games because in three games total they have had 24.  KU really made all the fans excited when they eclipsed the 100 yard mark in total yards late in the third quarter, but never could make it to 150 yards.  I would venture that a few pop warner teams could gain more than 141 yards in a game…how can someone be so bad.  (Total Points Off – MU – 0; KU – 17)

–              I also used my head and chose the Jayhawks to be beaten worse than D.  My prognostication was KU – 17, MU – 31.  I too gave the Jayhawks too much credit in thinking a Division I football team could amass more than 150 yards of offense by pure a** luck.  Let’s look though, our only four star recruit was converted from a receiver to a DB…brilliant.  The Kerry Meier Project II is under way with Cale Pick now becoming a receiver.  They assumed he could not suck any more as a receiver…but they were wronggggg.  (Total Points Off – MU – 4; KU – 10)

–              S chose with her father’s head initially when he also said MU over KU 31-17.  However, I had already made this pick so she boldly changed to 34-17.  And she ended up being more right than I was…d*mn.  No word on whether she watched the game or was embroiled in a facedown with other shoppers at Macy’s (think of The Good The Bad & The Ugly with purses).  S and her lunch partners were overheard today talking about the Jayhawks average of 1.9 yards per pass…which is comparable to a basketball team shooting about 4% for the game.  I am poor with statistics (once got an 8% on a test), but 1.9 v. 6.9 in yards per pass is embarrassing, much like many shoppers behavior this weekend.  (Total Points Off – MU – 1; KU – 10)

–              M in the midst of her moving also made a pick of MU over KU…34-6.  She had heard that the only thing the Jayhawks would have the advantage of would be in penalties and she was right.  MU had 9 penalties for 117 yards and the Jayhawks had 2 penalties for 15 yards.  Sorry to all the K-State fans, I know penalties make you cringe.  And the Jayhawks then earned an additional penalty after the game for wasting so many people’s money.  Good news is that the suffering is over for the Jayhawks as the season is mercifully over.  (Total Points Off – MU – 1; KU – 1)

All winners this week and once again the loser is C1…I have tried to make up a way to get out of me paying since I was the farthest off in making C1’s pick, but have not come up with anything.  Looks like I will be bringing in candy once it goes empty this week.  C1 has repaid the debt from last week and the hangover from Thanksgiving appears to be occurring since there is half a jar left.

This week will feature only the Chiefs.  MU and KSU will await the bowl they will be playing in.  Early indications are the Tigers going to either the Insight Bowl (December 28^th in Tempe) or Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl (December 30^th in San Diego).  If I were a traveling MU fan I would rather go to Tempe and enjoy the extremely nice weather versus the really nice weather of San Diego.  Kansas State will likely be playing in the New Era Pinstripe Bowl against Syracuse…so many things to make fun of…pinstripe, K-State…I can’t even make this stuff up!  The name was not in fact changed to pinstripe for the Wildcats but will be played in the new Yankee Stadium (December 30^th).  The Chiefs return to Arrowhead to hopefully make Josh McDaniels on a really hot seat for the Broncos.  As the Chargers are fast approaching and only play one more game against a winning team (the Chiefs @ San Diego), it would be wise for the Chiefs to handle the Broncos. 

Let me know your pick before your respective games.  There are still college opportunities this weekend including the hated Cornhuskers playing Oklahoma, Florida State against Virginia Tech, Auburn against South Caroline, Oregon @ Oregon State, as well as other regular season games finishing out.  Good luck!

Football Prognostications Part 12

Week 12 results were relatively successful.  I say relatively as we still must have a loser, you know, like KU football.  Turner Gill should be thankful for Bill Self and for the season nearing an end.  This the week of Thanksgiving, we shall pay homage to what we are thankful for.  See the picks below:

 X             C1 selected the Wildcats to beat the Buffs in Boulder 30-21.  Unfortunately my theory of the supermax penitentiary scared away most of the Wildcat defenders as they lost 44-36.  Instead of a five or ten yard penalty, Bill Snyder has asked the referee to speak a different language to the Wildcat players.  Instead of a 5 yard penalty for offside, it is now “serving a nickel” for offside.  Instead of holding, ten yards, it is “grasping…sentence, a dime.”  He believes this will cut out all the needless thinking involved.  Kansas State fans are thankful for the beating delivered to Kansas and…well that is about it. (Total Points Off – K-State – 6; Colorado – 23)

 –              C2 stuck with your usual.  I thought there might be a change of pace after the Chiefs were beat on by the Broncos.  She stuck to her 17-10 guns though.  The Chiefs prevailed 31-13.  Matt Cassel almost threw for 200 yards, wow, I can hardly contain myself.  Just so everyone is aware, he threw for 6 more yards (187 to 193) than Tyler Thigpen in Miami.  Remember “Pigpen”, he started 14 losing games for the Chiefs?  Yeah, so Thigpen who only got on the field because the first two quarterbacks were hurt played as good of a game as someone that had a franchise tag…awesome.  I will be thankful once the season ends and hopefully a better quarterback is found.  (Total Points Off – 14; Zona – 3)

 –              D stuck with fantasy football team and chose the E-A-G-L-E-S to beat the New York Giants 34-24.  The Eagles scored late and ultimately won 27-17.  I am sure there was a particular Eagles fan we all know that was awake screaming at the television, Yuengling (or Yuengling Light) in hand.  Michael Vick continues to play very well and aside from S’s comment of wild animals feasting on his corpse, many people have given him a second chance.  I am thankful for not crossing S as apparently that is the wrong side of the fence to be on.  D is thankful that his entire fantasy football team played well.  A. is thankful for not being shot, beaten, stabbed at the Linc.  (Total Points Off – Eagles – 7; Giants – 7)

 –              I chose “the Hair” to beat Peyton Whining 31-27.  The final score had the Pats beating the Colts 31-28.  Manning was apparently really mad based on his face after the game…that is his usual look?  I liked the reporter that asked about his final throw (which was picked off).  Manning said “Is there a question there?”  Have to enjoy when Manning throws three interceptions, loses, and then asks a question from a question.  Tom Brady wins the game, has Super Bowl Rings, MVP’s, and gets to go home to Gisele…awesome.  And his kids mom is Bridget Moynahan, unbelievable.  Did that guy make a pact with someone?  Brady is thankful everyday for everything…b*stard.  (Total Points Off – New England – 0; Colts – 1)

 –              S also stuck with the Chiefs and selected them to win 27-20.  Did I miss something or was that Dwayne Bowe actually catching passes?  Can you imagine what he would be like if he had a quarterback that could actually throw the ball?  Thrown to 8 times, caught 6, two touchdowns.  Nice game Dwayne, but your name is still Dwayne…tough loss.  Todd Haley is thankful that he was able to get Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel to Kansas City and the both have remained healthy enough to coach.  S is thankful for fancy boots, vampires, and pumpkin bread.  (Total Points Off – KC – 4; Zone – 7)

 –              M1 selected the Tigers to beat up on Iowa State 27-21 in Ames.  The boredom of Ames was clearly on display with MU beating the Cyclones 14-0.  What a yawn fest.  Let’s look at the Big 12 North teams for a moment.  Survey, which town sucks the least of them?  Iowa State is in Ames (closest “big” city is Des Moines?), MU and Columbia (closest big cities are KC and STL), Kansas State and Manhattan (closest big city is KC  which is far away), Kansas – Lawrence (KC closest), Boulder and Colorado (Denver is relatively close), and Nebraska and Lincoln (closest big city…there isn’t one because Nebraska is worthless).  If you had to live in one of the towns, which awful one would you choose?  See the voting buttons at the top of the email to pick…M1 is thankful for the beatdown this weekend of Kansas and for moving day!  And if you are still looking for the voting buttons, slap yourself in the back of the head…do you really think I would do that?  (Total Points Off – MU – 13; Iowa State – 21)

–              The Wizardress of Prognostications chose the Saints to down the Seahawks 27-17.  Final score had Drew Brees and the Saints winning 34-19.  Who Dem Saints starting to play pretty well again…M2 is thankful for everything turning right with the world again and choosing consistent winners.  Unlike many of us (okay, me), she is choosing NFL games that could go either way.  Still I believe she may know something she is not telling us.  I have watched Back to the Future Part II enough to know there might be a Sports Almanac for future years floating around…(Total Points Off – NO – 7; Seattle – 2)

–              L has also started to choose games that are not for the faint of heart.  She selected LSU to be Ole Miss 34-20.  The Hat once again pulled out every trick in the book and won 43-36.  LSU still has a chance at sneaking into the BCS National Championship game, but it is unlikely.  If they did, Les Miles would immediately be recalled to Hell as there is no way his deal with the devil would not demand an immediate reclamation.  Miles is thankful for every day he gets to stay up here…it’s just a matter of time.  (Total Points Off – LSU – 9; Ole Miss – 16)

Let’s all congratulate C1, she wins/loses this week.  And she just happened to take the week off for Thanksgiving.  I think this demands Johnny’s for everyone when she returns.  I will see what I can do about this potential repayment…

Upcoming this week are all the great things most of look forward to.  Food, football, more food, more football, lighting up your house enough to be seen from the Space Station, and finally, food.  KU and MU play in the Border Showdown.  Of course MU will play and KU will sit there and take a beating like a rented mule.   Kansas State travel to Denton to play North Texas (seriously, who the hell thought this up).  One would expect the Wildcats to beat the 3-8 Mean Green.  They must have been able to secure some sort of work release with the State of Texas.  And finally, the Chiefs play in Seattle against the Cheater (Pete Carroll).  The Seahawks are an unknown…they beat up on Arizona two weeks ago, but were hammered by New Orleans, New York, and Oakland.  I will go out on a limb and make a selection right now…pumpkin pie – 1; me – 0. 

 Everyone have a great shortened work week and enjoy Thanksgiving whatever it is you are doing.  The “Holiday Light Extravaganza” should begin on Friday as well as all the great Christmas movies!  Let me know your pick prior to Wednesday end of business.  I am picking the Jayhawks to put up a great fight and lose 31-17.

Football Prognostications Part 11

Say goodbye to Week 11, which for the people that guessed the Chiefs, should be welcomed!  Please see the picks below:

 X             C made her usual pick of Chiefs winning 17-10.  The Chiefs were pummeled by the donkeys 49-29, which considering the 35-0 head start was not terrible.  According to sources, Todd Haley did not learn the finger wagging from Bill Parcells, but from his wife in wagging his fingers at his multiple children…in his defense Josh McDaniels does look like he is pushing twelve.  Nevertheless, Todd Haley is spelled Psycho with a capital ‘P’.  (Total Points Off – Chiefs 12; Broncos – 39)

 X             D also made a bad mistake and chose the Chiefs over the Broncos 31-27.  Great news is that after my critiquing of Cassel and alerting people to his availability in fantasy football, anyone who picked him up had a great game.  The bad news is that he still sucks and only had that many yards because they were down by a thousand points.  Dwayne Bowe also had a breakout game with 186 yards and two touchdowns.  In essence, the stats of Cassel of Bowe count about as much as being the runner up at a hot dog eating contest.   (Total Points Off – Chiefs – 2; Broncos – 22)

 –              I went with an easy pick and chose the Jayhawks to be pummeled 56-7 by Nebraska.  I unfortunately forgot about how overrated the Cornhuskers are based on the final score of 20-3.  I would like to believe the Jayhawks are improving, but that is like believing in Santa Claus…just not realistic for my age.  Perhaps in a few years when Turner Gill is ran out of the state and we have a new “can’t miss” coach that leads us to a splendid 2-10 record the first year and a bowl eligible 6-6 the next year.  (Total Points Off – Jayhawks – 4; Nebraska – 36)

 X             S selected the Chiefs to win 21-17.  Do you know what Matt Cassel or me with milk have as a major difference?  Milk never gets sacked and unlike Cassel, I know when to throw it away!  I will be here all week…just saying, if anyone watched the game last night between the Steelers and Patriots, one realizes quickly how bad Cassel is.  He looks like a grade school freak, but still a grade schooler.  At this rate, Andrew Luck (Stanford QB) and Jake Locker (Washington QB) may be available to the Chiefs come draft day because the playoff talk has noticeably quieted.  If anyone is looking for humor, listen to AM 810 tonight at 6.  Mitch Holthus, who has as much talent as a paperweight, conducts the Chiefs Monday Night recap.  His catch phrase is “The Chiefs put the hammer down.”  How will he slip that in this week?  “The Chiefs ate the hell out of the pre-game spaghetti, they ‘put the hammer down.’”  “The Chiefs ‘put the hammer down’ and exchanged it for a toothpick.”  “The Chiefs ‘put the hammer down’ when the Broncos built a 35-0 lead.”  Nice job Mitch, brush up on that resume of yours.  (Total Points Off – Chiefs – 8; Donkeys – 22)

–              M went with a late pick and chose the Tigers to beat K-State 21-17.  The Tigers finished off the Felons at 38-29 after a late push.  K-State always struggles with early games, but that is because they just went to bed a few hours ago and some of the players are not used to daylight.  Gary Pinkel found a flight back Thursday afternoon when officials tricked him by telling him it was last Saturday night.  His game plan worked to perfection, right up until KSU scored 15 unanswered points in the fourth quarter, but Snyder needed a little nap and wanted to catch the early bird special at Shakespeare’s Pizza.  I would do the same thing…they accept AARP cards.  (Total Points Off – MU – 17; KSU – 12)

 –              The Wizardress of Prognostications chose the Bucs to beat the Panthers 24-17.  Final score had the Bucs prevailing 31-16.  Josh Freeman, who continues to thank his lucky stars he is out of Grandview, Missouri, and a much scarier place, Manhattan, Kansas, played another great game.  Why M likes these teams is beyond me, people in the actual cities do not watch these games based on the pedestrian Royals like attendance.  (Total Points Off – Bucs – 7; Panthers – 1)

 –              L made another nice pick choosing the Pokes to go to Austin and take care of the Longhorns 34-21.  Final score was another example of the Longhorns collapse with Oklahoma State winning 33-16.  The final score was not as close as one would think either.  Mack Brown proved that everything in fact is not better in Texas, unless he is talking about the beating they took.  I like watching Texas win because it makes the Big 12 look better and if Texas is down in football, it spells big trouble for the rest of the league.  We already lost one school that thinks it is better than others even those it is in the most worthless state in the Union…that’s right Nebraska, thanks for providing us with…what do they provide?  If Texas starts looking bad, we would have to rely on Oklahoma as the power team, or gasp…Mizzou.  If that happens, I will start rooting for the Big East out of spite.  (Total Points Off – Pokes – 1; Texas – 5)

 –              And finally, S chose KU to lose to Nebraska 44-10, narrowly edging out my miserable pick.  Nebraska fans as usual appear to think that the Jayhawks did not improve, but that they played a bad game and were preparing for the Big 12 Championship.  I beg to differ.  I think the Jayhawks mediocrity lulled the Cornhuskers into a trance and while it was freezing cold in Lincoln, many players and fans were asleep at the start of the third quarter.  I will be so thankful for football season next year when the Cornhuskers realize they are no longer the biggest or best, but will regret their departure in treating them like a whipping boy in basketball.  (Total Points Off – KU – 7; Nebraska – 24)

 Based on this, it would appear C edged out Dand S this week.  C was a total of 51 points off, S was 30 off and D was 24 off.  C had a premonition of this late last week and was nice enough to bring in candy already.  So if anyone can beat me to it, there are loads of treats in the area.  Upcoming this week the Chiefs return home to play against Arizona, who has lost to an elderly person (Brett Favre) and soundly beaten by a cheating surfer dude (Pete Carroll) the last two weeks.  The good news is that Arizona’s quarterback is nearly as worthless as ours so we have a fighting chance if the defense can score.  KU plays Oklahoma State at home, which will be close in at least one category…perhaps in penalties, because the score will not be good.  Kansas State plays at Colorado, which is always a tough place to play.  It is cold, miserable, and there is a supermax penitentiary not far away that always spooks K-State players as they realize their future home is only an hour away.  And finally, Missouri plays at Iowa Sta….sorry, fell asleep on that one because I couldn’t care less.  I am sure Mizzou is looking past Iowa State terrified of the Border Showdown the next week.  Gary Pinkel could have the worst game plan imaginably and should beat the Hawks by at least 14 points.

 Happy Picking!  Only a week away from an extended break of eating everything…

Football Prognostications – Week 10

Week 10 is now in the books with a lot of losing taking place.  KU won after scoring 35 unanswered points in the 4^th quarter.  Word has it that Turner Gill walked off the field at the end of third quarter to take his daughter to eat to avoid the three dozen fans watching the game.  While sitting at Applebee’s, Turner heard on the radio the Hawks won…it was of course not broadcasted on television as only the three dozen fans attending the game cared.  Mizzou went down to Lubbock and realized that all the talk about winning the Big 12 North and Big 12 championship was just silly so they promptly left at halftime.  Texas Tech came back behind Taylor Potts in the world’s worst uniforms (although there is a shoutout to Tech for having Freedom on the back of all jerseys) and dismantled the Mizzou defense.  Kansas State won in blowout fashion against Texas, which still makes you wonder how good/bad Kansas State and Texas is.  And the Chiefs blew it in Oakland losing in overtime when Sebastian (I was threatened to be deported because I am a drunk) Janakowski tied the score late in the fourth and kicked the winning field goal in overtime.  On to the picks …

–              C1 debated for much of Friday, I actually grew concerned she might hurt herself, in making the pick.  After considering every Big 12 game multiple times, she chose KSU to beat Texas 30-27.  The final score was 39-14 K-State.  Who knew the K-State Convicts would play such a great game?  Bill Snyder must have verbally threatened (could not put it in writing as K-State players cannot read) to call the parole officer of the players if they did not play well.  They ended up playing very well and the score was not really an indicator of how bad of a woodshed beating this was.  (Total Points Off – K-State – 9; Texas – 13)

 X             C2, as is customary, chose the Chiefs to win 17-10.  The Chiefs eventually lost in overtime 23-20.  Good news for all you fantasy football players.  Matt Cassel remains available in 99% of leagues because as my 4 ½ year old nephew stated “he sucks!”  When a 4 ½ year old that barely makes coherent statements knows that you suck, then it is time to chalk this up for what it is.  Cassel has the arm of an eighty year old, the mobility of an aircraft carrier, and the decision making of me after about ten drinks.  Matt, we are in the red and white!  (Total Points Off – Chiefs – 3; Raiders – 13)

 X             D also selected the Chiefs to win 20-17.  Was a great pick and no doubt something that the Football Gods could not allow to have D be right and exactly right at that.  Thus, the Football God “Idiot”, who created “prevent defense” was called upon to ruin the Chiefs chances.  Why does “prevent” exist?  This is the dumbest thing of football.  No Oakland player is going to run a deep route, they are not smart enough.  They are going to run a fifteen yard out, in, or curl.  Why worry about the go pattern of fly pattern to lead to overtime?  And then, “Idiot’s” cousin “Moron” struck in overtime by actually letting the receiver get behind him.  Nice work Chiefs, way to waste my Sunday afternoon.  (Total Points Off – Chiefs – 0; Raiders – 6)

 –              I went with TCU winning in Utah 24-20.  I missed the memo about the game apparently being moved to Utah and all players for Utah went on their mission work.  TCU hammered Utah 47-7 at Utah.  After the game the governor of Utah lifted the “dry state” policy so any Ute could get hammered on 3.2% beer.  Riots ensued a Utah player was suspended for calling a TCU player a “dummyhead.”  Whoa there buddy, this is a civilized place we live in.  Gary Patterson from TCU believed that he would move up in the BCS standings, but when interviewed, the computer for the BCS even showed bias towards Auburn and Oregon and assumed TCU stood for Tom Cruise University and instantly thought it was a whackjob.  (Total Points Off – TCU – 23; Utah – 13)

 X             S selected Missouri to beat Tech 34-21.  Final score resulted in Tech winning 24-17.  The Tigers had 80 yards in the second quarter, and 47 in the second half.  I have heard of pop warner teams having more yards than that.  Gabbert was winging the ball around like the sucker was on fire and T.J. Moe was overheard saying “WTF, was that to me?”  Gary Pinkel was essentially speechless because he has not altered a plan in his entire life so the fact Tubberville changed his to stop the Tigers offense really confused Pinkel.  I bet Pinkel sits frozen in terror when his doctor office calls to change the scheduled appointment.  Pinkel’s whole day is just ruined because he 1) gets up at 4:30 a.m.; 2) exercises for precisely 47 minutes until 5:17; 3) showers until exactly 5:30; 4) takes the exact same route to work and arrives at exactly 5:52 a.m., etc. etc.  Gary, it is called improvisation, try it sometime.  (Total Points Off – Tigers – 17; Tech – 3)

 X             M1 also selected the Tigers to win 31-24.  Pinkel is still in Lubbock because the flight home was changed and he could not change his plans.  If anyone would like to see him, he is staring at the wall at Gate 2, the number of losses by the Tigers in as many weeks.  Gabbert went home and threw his bag down, but of course his accuracy is so poor, Chet, who lives three apartments away had to once again tell Blaine that he lives three doors down.  Chet has been offered the position of statistician, but Pinkel could not alter his plans of hiring from within.  (Total Points Off – Tigers – 14; Tech – 0)

 –              The Wizardress of Prognostications reclaimed her position after choosing the Saints to beat Carolina 24-17.  At halftime the score was 17-3 and Carolina had only embarrassed themselves.  Final score was 34-3 with Jon Fox being considered to replace Wade Phillips.  That makes sense, the Panthers are awful so why not hire the coach from an awful team to replace a more awful team?  Drew Brees, who is now on every other commercial, had a great game throwing for 250+ yards and a few touchdowns.  Who Dat nation is happy again, much like M2.  (Total Points Off – NO – 7; Panthers – 14)

–              L made an extremely bold selection of LSU beating Bama in Death Valley 24-21.  The game was tight throughout and L hit it on the head with the score 24-21 LSU.  Mad Hatter (Les Miles) and his deal with devil once again paid off.  He went for it on fourth down and got it only because Bama was offsides, had a fake punt for a first down, had his quarterback that is hated more than the FEMA president throw the ball on 3^rd and 10 from deep in their end of the field to seal the victory.  I would not want to be in the vicinity of Miles as he is asking to be struck down at any moment.  Nick Saban promptly quit because if he lost to Miles, then the world is coming to an end and he wants to spend the last few moments with his mistress…er his girlfriend, I mean his wife…(Total Points Off – LSU – 0; Bama – 0)  As a side note, we should all kneel down outside L’s area as she is obviously a powerful source of information.

 X             R is the newest member of the league and her start is not great.  R selected K-State to lose to Texas 45-7.  R, who is a hardened K-State fan, thought like many of us, that Texas would not be intimidated by the convicts that are serving 4-6 years of hard time in Manhattan.  I always think of Major League and the penal league.  Texas was noticeably shaken when K-State starting singing prison chants and Bill Snyder dressed up as Zeus to summon the weather Gods.  By the time Texas knew what happened, they were down 30+ points.  (Total Points Off – K-State – 32; Texas – 31)

 Based on my math, R, the newbie of the group is the weekly victim with teams that lost and a total of 63 points off.  S was 20 points, C2 16, M1 14, and D 6.  This week the Chiefs play in Denver against another AFC West team.  The Chargers are now only one game back from the Chiefs and Raiders…K-State will play at Missouri.  No word whether Snyder’s request to change the time of the game by one minute is screwing with Pinkel…after all, he is still stuck in Lubbock.  KU will no doubt quickly forget what it is like to win a game as they will be playing at Nebraska.  Why couldn’t Nebraska have left when the Jayhawks beat them by 60 several years ago? 

 Great picks this week…okay, not great from a win/loss perspective, but very diverse.  L will be accepting requests for $20, payable to me (I will hold for her), to predict your fortune over the next week…good luck and make sure I have your picks!  Happy playing…

Football Prognostications Part 9

Week 9 and the Chiefs made us proud.  All other local sports team suck.  KU was beaten by Iowa State 28-16. I liked that Turner Gill is down 22 late in the fourth and they kicked a field goal to draw within 19 points…nice job Turner, way to think that one out.  Turner dressed up as a lottery ticket, because there was a 1 in 10,000,000 chance of winning.  Missouri forgot the kickoff was at 2:30 and showed up around 3:45, but dug themselves too large a hole.  Gary Pinkel arrived as my last date…late, hungry, and eventually getting hammered.  Finally, Kansas State could not handle Oklahoma State, losing at home.  Justin Blackmon (star receiver of Oklahoma State who was charged with a DWI) was suspended for the game, but still came to Manhattan.  He dressed up as Parole Officer which resulted in Kansas State players scattering.   Kansas State wore costumes they are most comfortable in, pinstripes.  According to some sources, Snyder is debating whether to implement full battle gear of pinstripes and much longer numbers following the penal code.

Here are the picks…

 –              C. selected the Cyclones to topple the Jayhawks, 30-17, like there was any question.  “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am now.”  See if anyone gets the quote from the movie, but no surprise here that Kansas lost.  C. even indicated that she was trying to be nice with the pick…that is depressing.  Iowa State prevailed 28-16 after KU scored 10 unanswered late in the game.  KU dressed up as rotting meat…nauseating and smelling like…you get the point.   (Total Points Off – Iowa State – 2; Kansas – 1).

 –              C2. picked her usual team and score, the Chiefs winning 17-10.  Final score had the Chiefs winning in overtime 13-10.  Probably either a great defensive battle, or two bad teams with one sucking worse than the other.  Rian Lindell and Succop exchanged missing kicks and after approximately 23 hours of playing football, the Chiefs won on the final play of overtime.  Todd Haley dressed up as part Almond Joy, part Mound, because sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.  (Total Points Off – Chiefs – 4; Bills – 0)

 –              D. selected the Chiefs to prevail 28-14, obviously missing the memo that these teams would rely heavily on the kickers being the most awful part of the team.  Speaking of things that are stupid, did anyone notice Fitzpatrick wearing his wedding ring while playing?  Is that so the other 21 players on the field know you are taken Ryan?  Ryan dressed up as me when dealing with woman…misreading signals, letting something slip through fingers, and ultimately failing.  Further evidence that just because you go to Harvard, does not mean you are smart…Todd Haley just changed into a gopher outfit, you know, because he likes to “go pher” it.  (Total Points Off – Chiefs – 14; Bills – 4)

 –              I joined the bandwagon and chose the Chiefs to win 31-13.  I went to the game in costume dressed as the Chiefs 3^rd receiver and blended in nicely with the other receivers.  You might have watched me play a series…Bowe and I ran around like we were lost (Bowe was not acting), in a feeble attempt to confuse one of the worst defenses the NFL has ever witnessed.  I quickly changed into a Verizon phone and replaced Charlie Weis, because then I knew how to make a call.  Dwayne Bowe dressed up as a 1970 Mustang.  Something that has one moment of brilliance followed by nothing but problems.  (Total Points Off – Chiefs – 18; Bills – 3)

 –              S. selected the Chiefs to win 31-17, assuming Cassel would dress up as a real quarterback.  Thankfully though, he came as himself and managed to miss wide open receivers by twenty yards.  There were a lot of props given to him this morning for his work to drive the team down for the winning kick in overtime, but seriously?  The Bills are relatively good in defending the pass (9^th overall), but considering they gave up 274 yards rushing, you would think Cassel could throw for more than 152 yards.  Heck, I bet Brett Favre could throw for more while picture texting…Haley just changed again, this time as a toddler, because he actually learned something in time out.  (Total Points Off – Chiefs – 18; Bills – 7)

 X             M. selected the Jets to beat the Packers 31-20.  Final score had the Pack shutting out the Jets 9-0.  Wow, what a game that must have been to watch.  Probably like a junior high girls basketball game…that one will undoubtedly get me in trouble.  Rex Ryan dressed up as Shrek…that wasn’t a costume, that is how he actually looks?  Sorry Rex…Mark Sanchez dressed up as Brett Favre’s picture message with potatoes…intercepted and sacked.

 Based on the above, and multiple hours of computing, M was tricked this weekend and shall treat us all.  Upcoming this weekend, the Wildcats play Texas at home, no doubt something the Wildcats are really looking forward to.  Not because Texas is awful, but because most of the K-State players served time in Texas at some point and have lots of family they cannot visit, but will be coming to Manhattan this weekend.  Word of advice, avoid Manhattan…Kansas goes to Colorado and has a fighting chance…screw it, no they don’t.  When does basketball start?  Missouri will look to get back on track against Texas Tech in Lubbock.  Great news is that Pinkel will likely stay now that they have as a good of a shot at the National Title game as I do with Natalie Portman (Natalie, if you are reading this, call me…and disregard the Harvard joke above).  And finally, the Chiefs play in Oakland, which the emperor (aka Al Davis) will have his team ready.  Which makes you wonder what Al Davis dresses up as?  Perhaps he and Tom Cable go to a party as a horse with Tom Cable being the front part.  Then Davis can be himself, a horses a**.  Been a long time since the Raiders/Chiefs game meant much.

 Good luck!

Football Prognostications – Part 8

Each week, my work enjoys Football Prognostications.  People choose a game, must select the winner and the points for each team.  The person that loses is the one whose team loses and is the farthest off.  If there are multiple people whose team loses, then the tie breaker is the points.  Ridicule is followed for the selections and the teams.  Below please find Week 8 (Week of October 18th) selections and a brief point on each.  Some of the names have been changed or shortened for anonymity…hate to see my co-workers be upset for such awful selections!

Week 8 and we had a lot of winners!  Glad to see the Chiefs and Mizzou made the region proud, as KU continued to embarrass themselves and K-State looked a little overmatched by Baylor.  On to the picks…

 X             C. selected K-State to topple the Baylor Bears 27-24.  Baylor completed the Kansas school sweep winning 47-42.  If someone would have told me 3 years ago Baylor would become bowl eligible by beating KU and K-State, I would have eaten my shoe.  However, I heard that a few of the felons Snyder recruits were not able to make it to the game because, you know, of a few dicey warrants still out for their arrests in Texas.  Not saying that Snyder recruits people with decorated pasts, but under the correctional facilities listed on the State of Kansas website, it indicates “Manhattan, Kansas…Aggieville.”  (Total Points Off – Kansas State – 15; Baylor – 23)

 –              C2. stuck to her guns and picked the Chiefs to win 17-10.  The Chiefs prevailed 42-20.  Word has it that Todd Bouman was told to “Not bother to get on the plane.”  Did anyone see his wife’s denim jacket she decorated?  It had a patch of his number and team he played for.  Therefore, you could not really see any denim or anything else because even though he has been harvesting corn for the last 4 years, he apparently played for about 28 teams.  (Total Points Off – Chiefs – 25; Jags – 10)

 X             All is back and right with the world.  For a moment, I was growing concerned.  D. went with the curse of death pick and chose Oklahoma to beat Mizzou 42-31.  Mizzou looked ready to play from the touchdown return on the opening kick and won 36-27.  D. is no longer welcome in Oklahoma, which means he will need a new hunting spot.  If anyone knows of a spot not in Oklahoma where D. can blast a turkey, feel free to email him.  PETA be dam*ed, a guy has to eat…(Total Points Off – 5; Oklahoma – 15)

 –              I decided to hedge my bet and pick Mizzou to win 38-34.  I figured that if I had to bring candy, then Mizzou lost and I could ridicule MU fans.  If they won, then I would look like less of a KU snob for picking MU…but we all know I am a KU snob.  Did anyone else though want to beat Musberger?  How about you go find Derrick Washington, cut him, pour salt in it, then beat on the kid some?  We all know he has legal troubles but Musberger must be a choir boy to take those shots.  Either that, or he has some skeletons in the closet…(Total Points Off – MU – 2; Oklahoma – 7)

 –              S. chose the Chiefs to win 24-10.  According to Haley, when asked if he would comment on the injury to Succop and why he did not kick a field goal from 41 yards to go up by 11 in the fourth quarter, he said “I am not at liberty to discuss.”  But then again, when asked if he ate three square meals a day, or if he liked his job, he said “I am not at liberty to discuss.”  Word has it the CIA is interested in his ability to never answer a question.  (Total Points Off – KC – 18; Jags – 10)

–              M. selected Mizzou to win 27-24 Saturday night.  A notable scream was heard from the Northland when Oklahoma nearly returned the kick for a touchdown late in the fourth quarter.  Gary Pinkel had this to say about improving his record against Texas and Oklahoma to  1-11, and I quote “S*ck it Big 12 South.”  Mizzou fans are now frantic about the upcoming weekend and potentially beating Nebraska, then winning the rest of the games, then winning the Big 12 Championship game, then the National Championship, and potentially the champions of the Universe in everything.  Seriously MU, if you win a bunch of games, Gary Pinkel gets an offer from a school with more history, and more importantly, deeper pockets.  Take it from a KU fan that watches them embarrass the state week in and week out, mediocrity is not overrated at all…(Total Points Off – Mizzou – 9; OU – 3)

 –              And finally the Wizardress of Prognostications (M.) made a bold, and unusual pick this week , by choosing the Bucs to beat the Rams 27-20.  It was definitely at risk throughout the afternoon, according to my check on the game one time…however the Bucs and Josh Freeman (from Grandview Missouri) prevailed 18-17.  That was seriously the score?  Geez, sounds like a barn burner of craptastic football.  Had to be at least 17 people that watched that game.  Even the cameramen and women were asleep for much of the game and the announcers left to do a little shopping.  (Total Points Off – Bucs – 9; Rams – 3)

 Based on this, C. is the weekly victim with D. a close second.  Thanks for playing and look forward to the next week where KU plays a team they will lose to, Mizzou and Nebraska square off in Lincoln and Mizzou tries to send the Cornhuskers packing for the Big 10, Kansas State will play host to Oklahoma State, which means there will be another weather delay, and the Chiefs welcome another team that has the luxury of walking around Buffalo completely unrecognizable as football players.  I would venture to guess that the Bills quarterback is an unknown to most…it is Jim Kelly…just kidding, seeing if anyone is paying attention.  The Bills are quarterbacked by Ryan Fitzpatrick, of Harvard.  You would think that someone that smart would realize being a quarterback in Buffalo is like playing first base for the Royals…someone needs to check the guy’s transcript.  Happy picking!

Chicago Marathon

What I learned from running my first marathon.

I competed in the 2010 Bank of America Chicago Marathon, which was my first marathon.  First and foremost, it was a fantastic race and the crowd support and volunteers are amazing.  Any thanks or congratulations should be extended to all of them because without their support, the race would have thousands fewer runners and far less finishers.   As I saw across many banners, you are no longer a runner, you are a marathoner.  However, it should also be noted that one banner stated that “Chuck Norris cannot say he is a marathoner.”  In addition to those, other funny signs of runners or spectators included one guy that stated “Eyes up here ladies” across the top of his back, and two women who had “Six weeks ago this seemed like a good idea…”  In considering these, people often ask what drives people to decide to run a marathon, to punish ourselves for twenty six plus miles.  Terms such as “chicked”, “pronate”, “kt tape” and “foam roller” all become part of our daily conversations.  Before I get to the race though, let us look at the trip…

It all started with Kansas City International Airport.  Interestingly enough, TSA officials apparently find the following, among others, to be anomalies in a carryon bag:

1. Entire roll of duct tape;
2. Empty zip lock bags of varying size;
3. Gauze (like one would use to put chloroform on);
4. KT Tape
5. Very thin gloves
6. Vaseline
7. Nipple protectors

Based on these items, it is not surprising I was one of the randomly selected travelers for bag inspection.  I have never been inspected quite as closely as I was after Shirley began rifling through my bag.  I am pleased to announce that I had no bomb making ingredients on myself or anywhere throughout my bag.  I was also delighted that Shirley had a very tender touch, not anything like a jack hammer operator, while she frisked me for any other “contraband.”  She was not convinced with my explanation that duct tape prevents blisters and that the gauze is cut to squares to prevent duct tape from becoming a permanent fixture of my body.  Clearly, Shirley is not a runner.  In considering this, it is obvious that she thought I was likely a felon on a spree.  I had to resist the urge to tell her to be careful with my Brooks Ghost 3 shoes because that would surely provide an opportunity for me to go behind a closed door for a more thorough review.

After Shirley and I exchanged numbers and parted ways, I headed to the gate.  Not surprisingly, the gate was changed, but thankfully I would not have to go through security again.  Upon my arrival, I decided to take the orange line instead of a cab.  This was my first opportunity to help others that do not often travel to cities with trains.  I assisted three women in acquiring the tickets and finding the appropriate stop for their hotel.  They were all running the marathon, and provided advice on what I could expect.  Once I reached the hotel, I decided to go for a quick jog to see how my leg would hold up.  I had been nursing an injury for several weeks and was not sure how it would react.  My jog did not go successfully and this was the first I began to believe the marathon may not go as easily as I hoped.

The expo was held several miles away and in an attempt to conserve energy I took a school bus, which was provided free of charge to the expo.  Included at the expo were Oompa-Loompas, two men dressed up as gorillas, and one dressed up as monkey.  Dean Karnezes was there signing autographs and various tents with goodies were also around.  The horde of people making their way towards packet pickup and the t-shirts was overwhelming, but considering the number of runners the next morning, this was a light number of people.   Either way, it must have been terrifying to be a vendor in a tent, especially one of the first tents that had posters.  Free posters people, out of my way.  I watched an elderly person, no doubt one that passed me in less than twenty four hours, get mowed down like a running back that gets between Ray Lewis and the quarterback.  The other big site was Nike and the “Wall.”  The “Wall” contained everyone who was signed up for the run.  At first, I acted too cool to care about seeing my name on the board, but quickly turned juvenile and shoved people out of my way in an attempt to take a picture of…my name on a damn board?  It may seem ridiculous, but I was proud my name was there, among 45,000 others who would become my friends over the next day.

After departing the expo, I and my running partner, Heather, headed to dinner to “carb up.”  Heather’s mother, Pam, made a great dinner including spaghetti, a lasagna mix, and garlic bread.  All of it was extremely tasty and I enjoyed talking about the insanity that would occur the next day.  Finally, we departed back to downtown for some well needed rest.  Of course we first had to ensure that everything was properly laid out and ready for the next day.  I had approximately twenty items on my checklist, but based on the projected weather, many of the items would not be needed.

After a restless night’s sleep, race day had finally arrived.  Getting dressed and prepared makes me think of Jiffy Lube.  There is a lot of checking of the different systems, digestive (not good), respiratory (elevated), endocrine (hormones were higher than a teenager), immune (no hints of anything wrong), muscular (beginning to tighten faster than a waistband after Thanksgiving dinner), nervous system (see digestive system that was ‘not good’), skeletal system (bones all seem to be in the proper place), and urinary system (I feel like an eighty year old with an overactive bladder that just polished off his twelfth beer).  After checking and rechecking, I applied copious amounts of Vaseline to places most civilized people would never consider, attached the wristband representing my goal pace, my watch, and applied KT Tape much like a child would to a “booboo”.  Finally, I grabbed my XXL long sleeve t-shirt and an empty wide mouth Gatorade bottle that may prove useful in the corral.  According to multiple runners, a wide mouth Gatorade bottle can be used as a urinal and the XXL t-shirt apparently provides a cloak of invisibility to all runners who may happen upon my aforementioned eighty year old bladder.  After nearly thirty minutes of prep, we were ready to race.  Okay, not race, but we were damn sure ready to walk slowly to the start corral, where we would check and recheck everything all over again. 

Leaving the hotel looked like lower Manhattan in the movie Independence Day.  Mass hysteria was everywhere with people making their way towards the start.  As I told Heather, if I were ambitious, which I am not, I would start my own rickshaw business during the marathon.  You can get exercise while avoiding the streets and force runners off the road…you know, like someone with a stroller that evidently owns that entire sidewalk.  Every time I run in Kansas City I re-enact the scene from Footloose where I play chicken with the stroller.  And every time, Kevin Bacon (aka the stroller) forces me off the side of the sidewalk as I secretly scold myself for being a pussy.  Admit it, I have the Footloose music now firmly in your head…either way, I digress.  Once we walked through Millenium Park we began to understand the gravity of the situation.  Thousands of people were everywhere, most of who did not have the look of sheer terror on their faces like I did.  This is noticeable in the picture a camerawoman took of Heather and I pre-race.  Heather looks calm and composed while I look like I might have just had an accident, and not in my Gatorade bottle. 

We quickly made our way toward the open corral, but stopped at the restroom one last time.  The lines for the porta-potties were lengthy, with various shapes of people stretching, talking, and otherwise occupying their minds from the coming hours.  Eventually, after the poorest selection of lines to stand in, we were close to the front.  Regrettably, the man in front of us came out shouting that there was no toilet paper.  His wife quickly reached in her bag and provided him some.  This is another example of how women are far more prepared for things, whether it is resources prior to a marathon, or a nuclear arms race.  Most people looked like they were considering grabbing some leaves before going.  We watched the man disappear behind the blue door again for what seemed like an eternity.  Relativity is a funny thing as the time standing in the line would seem very short to the hours ahead.  Mercifully, we were now prepared for the race.  Everyone had their iPods on, bibs ready and muscles loosened.  Before we knew it we heard those great words “The Chicago Marathon is underway!” 

Quickly we realized that many men decided to ignore the porta-potties and reaching the bridge on Columbus Drive, men everywhere lined the walls to relieve themselves.  Modesty is out the window at this point…  Miles one through four were extremely uneventful, with only the rising temperature as a memory.  The term “unseasonably warm” will, from that day forward, send me into a near psychotic state.  How the hell is Chicago going to have an 87 degree day in October?  The alert level was still at the green level, but yellow was fast approaching.  We first saw “Sma’s Crew” around mile 4, along with other friends of Heather’s.  Heather’s family was all sporting lime green t-shirts with “Sma’s Crew” across the front.  It had to be very exciting for Heather to see the support shown by her family.  We happily glided along through downtown Chicago.  Around mile 8 I noticed my first issue, my KT Tape, was starting to release from my leg.  Why had I shaved my leg so it would stick if 8 miles in it already started to peel away?  While this, to most people, is not dramatic, I began to question why the universe was out to get me.  I was convinced my foot was being held on exclusively by the KT Tape only.  I should have recognized the error in judgment pre-race by using the Rock Tape with skulls and crossbones on it.  That tape instantly makes me a badass, but I did not bring scissors (KT Tape is pre-cut) as this would have made Shirley at the TSA even more “thorough.”  I rationalized that this was not a big issue through the tears welling up in my eyes.  I asked Heather how she was doing which she happily returned a “fine, you?”  I was able to manage a shrug, but realized at this point that I should feel far better knowing I still had eighteen miles ahead.

We ran through several aid stations and had perfected the art of running with water.  It was probably comical watching some of us at aid stations who treated our cup of water like a grenade.  By mile 9 I was beginning to think that I was not getting the liquid that I needed.  The next few miles went along without issues and we saw “Sma’s Crew” again at mile 11.  There was a lot of screaming and yelling, which was beneficial in pushing us along.  We continued to run pleasantly until the half marathon mark.  This is when, as Heather once told me, we are in the woods and there are two paths.  I took the path that nose dived into hell, while Heathers was more of a glide.  Past the mile 14 marker and next aid station, I begrudgingly gave Heather her GU’s and she ran on.  I decided to take a quick walk break, get some fluids into my system, and then see after a mile or so if I could catch her.  Funny right?  I walked through that aid station and then started out again, albeit at a much slower pace. 

By this point my systems were shutting down quicker than a guy when asked by his girlfriend “where is this relationship going?”  I felt a twinge in my calf, where my pre-race injury resided, around mile 16 followed by a tingling feeling at mile 17.  At mile 18 my hamstrings and calves began to cramp which I am sure is always an interesting site from behind.  After stretching and moving even slower, I received some much needed relief from AccelGel at mile 19.  This stuff is like crack for a runner.  Aside from my shoes sticking to the asphalt from the packets (I still question whether it was the chocolate or the fact we were essentially running on the sun), I took one to see what would happen.  I should point out that I had not trained with Gatorade, GU’s or anything but water, electrolyte caps, and Stingers (energy gels).  The caffeine from the AccelGel turned me into Hammy from Over the Hedge, and I took off like a bolt.  The term like a bolt may be an exaggeration, but I was definitely moving faster than what I had been.  Mile 19 got me back on the path toward my goal and for a moment, I thought I might still have an outside shot at finishing close to goal.  Unfortunately, I was the victim of what I believe were multiple gunshot wounds at mile 20.  I am not taking this lightly as I have never been shot, but feel the pain is somewhat similar.  All around me everything started moving a lot faster and I was looking for the sniper that just took me out.  My calves and hamstrings were very tight and even the slightest walk irritated them more than a woman getting a poor response to a question like “does this make my ass look fat?”  I tried to stretch and then run again, but my lower half was working on a different frequency than everything else.  I walked, fast-walked (think the mall during holiday season), and jogged a bit through mile 21 and then ran from mile 21 to mile 22.  Sadly, I was starting to feel pain in spots I was not sure were part of my body.  I was relatively certain that my pinkie toe was on the verge of falling off and I was equally convinced that the gunshot wound had left shrapnel in my ass, which explained why it was dragging behind me. 

Mile 22 and 23 were much of the same, I jogged at a pace that was similar to watching a slow motion re-enactment.   I played leap frog with a woman that had on plaid shorts for those miles.  I would pass her while she would walk, then she would pass me.  Clearly, I was going to need to end her race in the near future so as not to get “chicked” for the 12,000^th time in the race.  But at that point, all things seem not to matter.  I struggled even entertaining the simplest thought, like “where the hell am I?”  All I knew for certain was that I started to become extremely paranoid.  It started as a thought about how crazy I must be for doing this.  However, that quickly turned to how crazy all the other people must be.  If there are 20,000 people (I guessed that 25,000 people were far ahead of me) behind me that would intentionally do this to themselves, what the hell would they do to me?  I quickly moved to the far side of the street expecting a person to lose their mind and stab me in back, choke me, or tackle me Terry Tate, Office Linebacker, style.  But I believe my paranoia was resolved when an angry mob of people swarmed some poor stupid bastard in the crowd that yelled “You’re almost there, only three more miles…”  Clearly this person was a complete idiot.  Spectator 101 states “never tell a person they are almost there.”  The last three miles felt like it had taken at least a month and the thought of three more was verging on the comical.

Mile 23 through 24 was much of the same, just trying to slowly put one foot in front of another.  Once I made it to mile 25 I decided to jog a little faster to see what worked.  I noticed for the first time my Garmin was apparently not working because I was moving at warp speed, but it indicated I was going at an 11:20 pace.  What the hell? Could this be right?  After I accepted warp speed of 11:20 was legit, I noticed that most people were running.  The idea of a little more than one mile away was too overwhelming and thus we began our final push toward the mirage that was the finish line. 

Towards the end of the race, you begin chatting with anyone to take your mind off how badly you feel.  I met a man who had run the Chicago Marathon seven times.  This and the “fun run” year were the only two he crashed at.  I met a man who said it was hotter than his hometown of Dallas and that his calves have quit working.  He told me he had simply lost the spirit to fight.  And I met a woman from Arlington that was also completing her first marathon.  She was questioning her sanity and at one point, I thought about reaching out to see if she was real.  But the amazing spectators, which numbered in the thousands near the finish, made all other things immaterial.  This was when I made one of my dumbest moves of the day, but one I would do over and over again.  While all others kept their heads down and pumped away, I ran over to the crowd and gave them high fives and thanked many of them.  They obviously thought a lunatic had entered the final half mile and I was lucky I was not tackled by event security.  However, they cheered even louder.  They had stood out in the hot sun for hours to see people run, which is like watching paint dry.  That they were there was awe inspiring, but the fact they were screaming and cheering for people they did not know was a sign of how spectacular the marathon is.  I turned the last corner, and in my opinion, looked like Michael Johnson striding down the final stretch.  I crossed the line gave some woman I did not know a hug, gave a guy a high five and went on my next journey to get my medal.

I found Heather and her family and we exchanged stories and showed our battle wounds from the day.  Most revolved around a blister that virtually took up a quarter of the ball of her foot.  We finally garnered the strength to get up and shuffle away.  I had a bathtub and bed that was calling my name and others no doubt had recovery plans.  Each person has a different way of dealing with the end and I am no different.  I am not very excitable so finishing was great, but the realization that the four months of training for something was now over, was difficult.  But as quickly as that occurred, I received a text from a friend that said “Ready for another one?”  A smile crept across my face and while in considerable pain, I thought “Hell yes!”

People question “why run a marathon?”  Is it for weight loss?  So you can drink and eat whatever you like?  To relieve stress?  To share something with people of similar interests?  It is probably a mixture of them all, but the real reason is because it is fun.  I have competed in basketball, football, and other competitive sports where there is a clear winner and loser.  I run because as I crossed the finish line, I was a winner.  Not because I accomplished my time goal, as that had passed almost fifty minutes prior.  Not because I finished ahead of some number of people, but because I finished.  Almost anyone that runs distance has injuries.  Most of us have stress which running alleviates.  Some have a family at home that running takes them from while others do not.  Some are heavy while others are thin.  Some have the lung capacity of a three pack a day emphysema patient while others can hold their breath for four minutes.  But one commonality occurs between us all.  We get up and drag our asses out of the house to willingly run.  We do it for the camaraderie, for the enjoyment, for the fresh air, but mainly we do it for ourselves and for others.  As I told my new friend from Arlington as we crossed the line, we are no longer runners, we are marathoners.  At the end of the day, I am happy with that.

Hello World!

As Tiger Woods said…”Hello World.”  Hopefully you will find my blog entertaining, helpful, or at least something that is enjoyable to read.  Take a look around and let me know your comments.